Showing posts with label comedy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label comedy. Show all posts

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

caught on bad

"time to wake up! time now is... four forty-five AM..."

"shit, nag-snooze na naman pala ang alarm ko."

nagising ang lalaki sa tunog ng kanyang alarm clock. nagmamadali siyang tumayo at pupungas pungas na pumunta ng banyo.

tumingin sa salamin. tinitigan ang sarili. ngumiti.

nagsipilyo. naligo. nagba....nlaw, nagbanlaw. nagpunas. nagbihis. lumabas ng banyo.

"gusto ko magtimpla ng chocolate drink. kaso male-late na ko. hayun! buti na lang nandito pa yung bote ng gatas na ininuman ko kagabi. dito ko na lang isasalin ang chocolate at dito ko na lang iinumin", ang wika ng lalaki sa kanyang sarili.

patay pa ang ilaw sa silid dahil natutulog pa ang kanyang roommate.

binuksan ang bote. isinalin ang chocolate powder. naglagay ng maligamgam na tubig. shake. shake. shake.

lumabas ng bahay. naglakad papunta sa sakayan ng bus. binuksan ang bote. tinungga. lunok. lunok. may nakapa ang kanyang dila na magaspang.

"siguro'y buo-buo pa ang chocolate, hindi pa siguro nahalo na mabuti. hayaan mo na siya", ang sabi ulit ng lalaki sa kanyang sarili. hindi pinansin ang nakapa ng dila na magaspang. tuloy sa paglagok.

"puta, bakit parang may stick?!"

kinabahan. kinagat ng lalaki ang 'stick' sa kanyang iniinom na chocolate at hinila palabas ng bote. idinura sa lupa.

at doon tumambad ang naghuhumindig na dalawang pirasong cotton buds na kanya palang ginamit kinagabihan at itinapon sa loob ng bote ng gatas na walang laman.

lumingon-lingon. walang nakakita. masuka-suka si lalaki.

end of story.


moral lesson: dispose your trash properly.

trivia: the lalaki is me.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

tigidong tigidong tigidong... nasaan na si dudong

*Some themes and languages are not suitable for very young audiences. Parental Guidance is advised.

nasa sakhalin island, russia ako last year nang una kong marinig, mula sa mga kasamahan kong miyembro ng T.G.I.S. batch '69, ang kanta na ito na rosas pandan na mula raw kay ali sotto. pero bali-balita raw noon na dini-deny nya na sya ang kumanta nito.

Ang puke ko na kulay rosas,
namumukadkad pag hinimas-himas..
At ang namumulang talulot,
dinanaluhong ng mga bubuyog..
.
Kapag akoy nalilibugan
tumitihaya kahit na sa lansangan..
At ang bawat makakita
agad akong pinapatungan..
.
Iniyot-iyot-iyot..
ang puke kong makipot
namumulat sariwa..
namamasa ang hiwa..
.
tigidong, tigidong, tigidong
nagsalsal na si dudong
mula ng makita ang
butas ko at kweba..
ganyan ang dalaga..
lalo pat mayrong REGLA....
.
Coda:
Putangina mo nagrerecord ako eh!
Hahahahahahahahahaha...........
Nagrerecord ako!...............

Monday, March 31, 2008

when batman meets superman

tawa ako ng tawa dito sa natanggap kong email galing sa officemate ko.

Man: " Hi sir, I would like to complain about one of your police officer, who have assaulted me at the cafe."

Sergeant: " Can I have your name pls?"

Man: "Batman"

Sergeant: "Batman?"

Man: "Yes, Batman."

Sergeant: "You trying to be funny is it?"

Man: "No."

Sergeant: "Than what is your father's name?"

Man: "Suparman"

Sergeant: "Hey,you trying to be funny is it?"

Man: "No."

Sergeant: "You are telling me that you are BATMAN, the son of SUPERMAN

Man: "Yes"

Sergeant: "You really too much you know, I can charge you for this offence for lying your name to an officer. Show me your IC."



Sunday, March 30, 2008

dumb and dumber

nung friday, nagtreat ako ng lunch sa mga ka-officemate ko. padespedida ko na sa kanila kasi paalis na ako ng singapore. kumain kami sa thai express sa isang mall along orchard.

singaporean waiter: is that all, sir?

rj: (to officemates) ano wala na ba kayong oorderin? ayos na ba yan?

officemates: (to rj) mamaya na lang umorder kapag may kulang pa.

rj: (to singaporean waiter) mamaya na lang daw.

officemates: (tawanan)

singaporean waiter: (tulala lang)


minsan nata-tagalog ko ang mga foreigner na kaharap ko, lalo kapag biglaan, natataranta ako at nauutal. english kasi ang isa sa pinaka-ayokong subject sa school noon, at hindi rin ako nakapag-practice nung college dahil hindi naman masyado kelangan sa engineering. kaya nga ang lusot namin noon kapag english barok ang nasasabi namin, ‘engineer eh!’. dati na akong may naririnig na karamihan daw ng mga engineers (hindi naman lahat) eh mahina sa english., hindi ko alam kung bakit pero isa ako doon. hehehe.

flashback noong first year highschool pa ko, nasa bahay lang ako at umalis ang nanay at tatay nang biglang nag-ring ang telepono. riiiiiiiiiiing!

rj: hello?

caller: yeah hi! can i speak to mister roberto tejada (pangalan ng tatay ko) please?

rj: (nagulat, nataranta) who is this?

caller: this is an overseas call from houston, texas. can i speak to him?

rj: (nagulat, natataranta pa rin, porenjer eh!) uhmmm.. together.. away.. together they go away!..

caller: oh okay. thanks! i will call again later. bye!

akala ko lusot na ko, akala ko wala nang makakaalam ng nagawa kong kahihiyan. yun pala kapatid ng tatay yung tumawag na taga-navotas at ginogoyo lang pala ako. kalat tuloy sa angkan namin ang kwento, ang nasasabi ko na lang ‘engineer eh!’.


* * *


Advertisement: batjay will be launching his second book, mga kwento ng batang kaning lamig, on april 14, fully booked in the fort at 3:00pm. the ‘ultimeyt tambay’ himself will be there. im looking forward to meet him in person and have the 2 books signed. :)

Monday, March 24, 2008

monday sickness

nandito ako sa opis ngayon pero lutang ang aking isip dahil 4am na yata ako nakatulog kagabi. kanina pa gustung gusto pumikit ng mga mata ko pero kelangan pa ring magpanggap ng nagtatrabaho. hindi kasi ako makatulog kagabi, kahit anong posisyon at pwesto eh hindi ako mawalan ng ulirat. madami kasi akong iniisip these days, na hindi ko alam kung paano gagawin. mga kailangang ipaliwanag para lumiwanag pero nananatiling malabo. bahala na si batman (san ba nanggaling to? di ko alam).

para mawala ang lungkot (at antok), basahin na lang natin itong labishtoree ni inday.

It was jazz an ordinary day.
The skies were clear, the birds were chipping.
Ang ganda-ganda ng araw!
Nasa SM ako noon at katatapos ko lang mamili ng groceries.
Timing naman nasafoodcore si Angel Locsin, nagpro-provoke ng movie nya.
Grabe, andaming fans,pull-packed talaga!
Dahil fans nya rin ako, nakipila rin ako.

Then suddenly, out of the loo, may bumulong sa akin ng: "Indaaaayyyy. ......."Huh?
It sounded like a familiar sound.
Who can it be now?
"Dodong!" sigaw ko.
Napalakas yata voice ko.
Kasi the other fans turned their backs to their behind at napatingin sa amin.
Sabi ko "Sorry, I didn't mean to be loud andproud."
Hinawakan na lang ni Dodong ang kamay ko at lumayo kami from thecrowd.
"Kamusta na Inday? Do you come here open? tanong nya.
"Bihira lang, Dodong. I'm just droppings by. Ethnic and schedule ko eh" sabi ko.
Memories came flushing in my mind.
How can I forget to remember Dodong?
Siya na may mata ni Piolo, dimple ni Aga, at bigote ni Rex Cortez.
he's everywoman's dreamboat.
I was just starting my tour of duty kay ate noon nangunang makilala ko si Dodong.
Contraction worker siya sa ginagawang bahay satapat namin.
Naging kami for a while then after that were not an item anymore.
"Tanghali na Inday. What did you say we have lunch together?" tanong niDodong.
"I don't mine" sagot ko.
Sa restaurant, nilapitan kaagad kami ng waiter.
"What's your odor sir?" sabinung waiter kay Dodong.
"Do you have porkshop?" tanong ni Dodong.
"Yes sir" sabi nito.
"Our porkshop with a resistance to the teeth of boastof our chef. Domestic careful selection of pork with little fat of female liking is used. The exquisite cooking which repeated trial and error and wascompleted. it also has healthy vegetables with salad feeling fully" dagdagniya.
"And you mam?" sabay tingin naman sa akin.
Hmmm... mukhang masarap yung porkshop.
Pero I'm cutting down on my carbon kaya pinigilan ko.
"I'll just have water, thanks. Liquidate diet ako eh." sagot ko.
Pagkatapos kumain, nagyaya si Dodong manood ng sine.
Teka teka, this is going too far.
Besides, it's a long, long way to run.
"Reality chess, Dodong. May asawa na ako, si Jay. As a mother of fact, I'mhappily married" pagmamalaki ko.
"Di na pwede yung tulad ng dati. Sorry pero I didn't expect you still havemore feelings than I expected. i don't want you getting the way. Past is fast. Therefore, cause and defect." dagdag ko pa.
Tumahimik sya.
Parang may language barrel na namagitan sa amin.
The secondsthat passed seemed like fraternity.
Di nagla-on, nagsalita na rin sya.
"I don't care less!" sigaw ni Dodong.
Shocks, give me a brake!
The nerd ng taong ito para sigawan ako!
To thinkit's his other woman that caused our separation to part.
Kinabahan na ako.
I felt speedbumps all over my body and was having panic attach.
Tinalikuran ko siya at nagmadali akong lumakad palayo.
Pero sumunodpa rin siya like a monkey on my butt.
Hanggang sa makakita ako ng securityguard.
Biglang nawala si Dodong.
"Excuse me kuya, pwedeng magtanong?" sabi ko sa mamang guard.
"Of course miss, I can help you with my pleasure." sagot niya.
"Saan po ba ang exit? Could you point me to the right erection? I got lostin my eyes."
"Diretso lang." sabi niya. "Then turn right anytime with care."
"Thanks for your corporation" sabi ko.
Buti na lang nandun si kuya.
Pero saglit lang, I smell something peachy.
AsI turned, nakita ko na namang nakasunod si Dodong!
Delaying static lang palakanina ang pag disappear nya.
"Nyahahaha! You can run but you can hide, Inday. No matter where you go,there you are!" pananakot nya.
Oh no, is this the end? This is too much, I feel degradable.
My worldstarted falling afar.
Then suddenly, Jay come from behind!
Dodong was caught to the act!
In thematter of minute, it's all over.
I'm out of arm's way.
"Thanks Jay, my love. But how did you?" bago pa man ako matapos,
sabi niya:"I was in the neighborhood. Fans din ako ni Angel eh. I heard you shout butat first I didn't give it a thought. Pero nang makita ko kayong magkahawakng holding hands, then i give it a thought. I know something is a missed."
From then on, Dodong did not brother me again.
In fact, he didn't evensister me.
As in platonic at wala na talaga.
Pero kami ni Jay, heto, shoot sailing pa rin ang relationship.
Lalo pangayon, open na kami sa isa't-isa at walang exhibitions.
i feel I'm on cloud.